Make me laugh.

ttf_Sydney Australia · Sun Mar 03, 2013 1:38 pm

ttf_Sydney Australia · Sun Mar 03, 2013 1:51 pm

ttf_Sydney Australia · Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:05 pm

ttf_djdekok · Post by **ttf_djdekok** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:24 am

A bagpiper once got a call to play a funeral for a homeless man. The funeral was to be out in the country, and he really didn't want to drive that far, but compassion got the better of him and he agreed to do it.

He got a little lost on the way thru the country, but eventually found the cemetery and what appeared to be the gravesite. He looked down into the hole and saw that, alas, he was late--the cover had already been placed on the vault. Workers were under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. I'm late, the gravediggers are all done, he thought to himself. Ah, well, I drove all this way, I may as well play for him.

So he gets his bagpipe out, puts it together, walks back to the grave and begins to play his heart out. One by one, the workers stopped eating, got up, and walked over to the vault. With "Amazing Grace" skirling in the breeze, the men found themselves growing teary-eyed and weepy. When the piper finished, he shook each of their hands, and started to walk back to his car.

As he's putting his pipes in the trunk, he hears one of the workers say,

"20 years of installing septic tanks and I never saw anything like it".

ttf_Brer Cottonmouth · Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:59 am

One night after their gig, the band decided to wind down at the local pub. But the trombone player was dismayed. "I'd love to get a beer," he said, "but I don't want to take my trombone into the bar--it will get damaged. And this is a bad neighborhood; if I leave it in the car, someone will steal it."
His band mates said, "No one's going to steal your trombone. Lock it in the car and let's go."
So that's what the trombone player did. After he'd had a beer or two and headed out to his car, sure enough, there was a broken back window. He ran to the car and looked in, where he saw broken glass and two trombones.

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Sat Mar 09, 2013 4:49 am

Quote from: Brer Cottonmouth on Mar 04, 2013, 11:59AM So that's what the trombone player did. After he'd had a beer or two and headed out to his car, sure enough, there was a broken back window. He ran to the car and looked in, where he saw broken glass and two trombones.

That reminds me of a true story. A banjo-playing friend of mind had his house broken into. They took a load of stuff, but left his banjo sitting on the lawn....

ttf_trombone addict · Fri Mar 15, 2013 10:58 pm

Go to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:23 pm

Quote from: trombone addict on Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PMGo to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.

That's great!

ttf_trombone addict · Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:33 pm

The best part is that I actually did that...

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Sun Mar 17, 2013 5:11 am

Quote from: trombone addict on Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PMGo to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.

It's also fun watching the other shoppers as you paw through an entire box of plungers looking for the one with the right feel (not too soft, not too stiff).

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Mon Mar 25, 2013 4:58 pm

Quote from: trombone addict on Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PMGo to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.

I don't think they quite understood what you meant when you said it involved a trombone.
Must have been really fun for my friend who bought 4 mutes for our whole section. "What? The sticks? Nope, I'm buying these for some buddies of mine. They won't use it."

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:03 am

A trombonist walks towards the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter pulls out his
book. St. Peter looks quite grim, and says, "My son, your entire life has
been a solitary existence, and you have never once performed a good deed."

The trombonist immediately replies, "Why, yes, I have done a good deed!"

St. Peter is surprised by this and asks for the details.

"You see, I walked out of the club after playing for four hours and found a
biker beating up a woman in the alley. I punched him in the nose, knocked
him down, grabbed his nose ring and said, 'LEAVE HER ALONE OR YOU'LL HAVE TO
ANSWER TO ME!'"

St. Peter looks impressed, and asks, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago."

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Sat Apr 13, 2013 6:50 am

My clarinettist, an old Jewish guy, told a joke to the band at our gig on Thursday. He apparently heard this joke on a UK TV channel, in a programme entitled "Old Jewish Guys Telling Jokes"!

*rude joke alert*

A guy goes to the doctor and is informed that he is very seriously ill. Shocked, he passes this information on to his wife. She then goes to the same doctor to get more details of her husband's illness. The doctor tells her that her husband has a terminal condition and only one thing can save him. He must be given a blow job every single day for the rest of his life. She goes back home and the husband says, "Well, what did he say???" The wife replied, "You're gonna die...."

ttf_Storminnorman · Post by **ttf_Storminnorman** » Wed May 15, 2013 8:21 am

A Minister, Priest and Rabbi walk into a bar. The Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of joke!

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Wed May 15, 2013 8:33 am

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

"I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

"She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

"On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.�
And then she said, "Do whatever you want"

So, Here I am!

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Wed May 15, 2013 8:42 am

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Wed May 15, 2013 8:51 am

Quote from: bonearzt on May 15, 2013, 08:42AMTwo women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Men are just as bad!

Mind you, I had to move today. I was sitting in a pub, quietly reading a book and eating a sandwich, when two women came and sat at the next table. I was quite happy with them chatting away. I was NOT happy when their own lunches arrived and they continued chatting away, with their mouths full...

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Wed May 15, 2013 8:59 am

You should have recorded the video with your phone and posted it online.

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu May 30, 2013 10:29 am

Q: Why is it that Gorillas don't play trumpet?

A: They are much too sensitive.

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:04 pm

Couldn't help but laugh out loud!!

http://9gag.com/gag/agyyDPn?ref=9g.m

BOOOOYEEEAAHH!!!

Eric

ttf_Orffbone · Post by **ttf_Orffbone** » Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:32 pm

What does a soprano use for birth control?

Her personality.

ttf_Orffbone · Post by **ttf_Orffbone** » Fri Jun 28, 2013 2:37 pm

A horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat. Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"

ttf_K.Trinh4213 · Post by **ttf_K.Trinh4213** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 3:24 am

Quote from: Orffbone on Jun 28, 2013, 02:37PMA horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat. Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"

Guessing Sarah J. Parker gets this a lot

Have you heard of the euphonium player with nightly gigs? Neither have I!

ttf_Orffbone · Post by **ttf_Orffbone** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 9:55 am

Did you hear the one about the man walking down the street and turned into a drugstore?

ttf_djdekok · Post by **ttf_djdekok** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 7:26 pm

Quote from: K.Trinh4213 on Jun 29, 2013, 03:24AMGuessing Sarah J. Parker gets this a lot

Have you heard of the euphonium player with nightly gigs? Neither have I!
and Celine Dion too.

ttf_gpkimzey · Post by **ttf_gpkimzey** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 8:15 pm

Quote from: trombone addict on Mar 15, 2013, 10:58PMGo to hardware store
Buy plunger for plunger mute
Go to the check out counter
Watch their face when you say that you don't need the wooden handle.

Yeah. Actually did that. They made me take it anyway.

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Sat Jun 29, 2013 8:42 pm

Quote from: Orffbone on Jun 28, 2013, 02:37PMA horse walks in to a bar and takes a seat. Bartender walks over and asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse's reply: "Because I've been walking around all day"

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:20 am

Mr Jones was faced with a dilemma. His small business wasn't doing so well and he knew he had to let one of his valued employees go. He had no choice but he was having a hard time deciding who it would be.

Kathy and Jack had been with the company the same length of time and they were both dedicated, loyal and competent. Yet he had to choose.

Sitting in his office early one morning pondering the problem, he decided that he would present the situation to the first one to arrive. Maybe if he explained it, he or she would offer to be the one to step down.

He heard the front door open. As soon as he saw Kathy walk by he asked her to come into his office and sit down.

"Kathy, I am faced with an awful dilemma. Things haven't been going so good lately, and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off"

Without a moment's hesitation she replied:

"If you don't mind, please jack off; I have an awful headache"

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:49 am

Quote from: greg waits on Aug 17, 2013, 07:20AMMr Jones was faced with a dilemma. His small business wasn't doing so well and he knew he had to let one of his valued employees go. He had no choice but he was having a hard time deciding who it would be.

Kathy and Jack had been with the company the same length of time and they were both dedicated, loyal and competent. Yet he had to choose.

Sitting in his office early one morning pondering the problem, he decided that he would present the situation to the first one to arrive. Maybe if he explained it, he or she would offer to be the one to step down.

He heard the front door open. As soon as he saw Kathy walk by he asked her to come into his office and sit down.

"Kathy, I am faced with an awful dilemma. Things haven't been going so good lately, and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off"

Without a moment's hesitation she replied:

"If you don't mind, please jack off; I have an awful headache"

Badum crash.......

In spite of the seriousness of the incident...

Did you hear about the naming incident regarding teh pilots of the plane crash in SF?
Captains: Sum Ting Wong, Bang Ting Oww, Wee Tu Lo

Eric

ttf_djdekok · Post by **ttf_djdekok** » Sat Aug 17, 2013 1:14 pm

Quote from: bonearzt on Jun 28, 2013, 02:04PMCouldn't help but laugh out loud!!

http://9gag.com/gag/agyyDPn?ref=9g.m

BOOOOYEEEAAHH!!!

Eric

Oh, dear...

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Sat Aug 17, 2013 7:01 pm

A man walks onto an elevator. On the next floor a cute blonde walks on.

As the elevator continues moving, the blonde turns to the man and says with a smile:

"T.G,I.F."

He looks at her strangely and replies: "S.H.I.T."

She looks puzzled. Again she says: "T.G.I.F."

Again he says in reply: "S.H.I.T."

Exasperated, she says:

"Don't you get it? T.G.I.F. Thank God it's Friday!"

He shakes his head and says:

"S.H.I.T. Sorry honey, it's Thursday"

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Sun Aug 18, 2013 4:32 pm

Q: When is a woman like a piano?

A: When she isn't upright she is grand.

ttf_jazz bassbone · Post by **ttf_jazz bassbone** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:14 pm

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Two men walk into a bar. Third man ducks

Ham Sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender looks up and says "we don't serve food here"

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:49 pm

Quote from: bonearzt on Aug 17, 2013, 09:49AM
Badum crash.......

In spite of the seriousness of the incident...

Did you hear about the naming incident regarding teh pilots of the plane crash in SF?
Captains: Sum Ting Wong, Bang Ting Oww, Wee Tu Lo

Eric

Unfortunately, those actually got published somewhere (or maybe read on the news). Someone put them in the copy as a joke, and no one caught it.

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Mon Oct 28, 2013 8:51 am

It was recently announced that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have fired head coach Greg Schiano, replacing him with Korean coach "Win Won Soon."

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Dec 19, 2013 8:08 pm

Nothing like watching videos of people with less of a life than yourself

I feel your pain with a cruddy day too

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPPj6viIBmU

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:36 am

I've recently bought a Kindle Paperwhite. I love it.

However, one of the free books I've recently downloaded was entitled "One Hundred Best Jokes".

It was NOT money well spent!

ttf_FerhyaSlide · Post by **ttf_FerhyaSlide** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:45 am

Quote from: RedHotMama on Jan 02, 2014, 06:36AMI've recently bought a Kindle Paperwhite. I love it.

However, one of the free books I've recently downloaded was entitled "One Hundred Best Jokes".

It was NOT money well spent!

It was free? So then, no money spent?
Or am I off?

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:59 am

I think that she means that even at "free" it was overpriced.

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:00 am

True! The book was free, but my goodness, the jokes were CRAP!

ttf_FerhyaSlide · Post by **ttf_FerhyaSlide** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:12 am

Quote from: RedHotMama on Jan 02, 2014, 07:00AMTrue! The book was free, but my goodness, the jokes were CRAP!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side?

Or give us an example, Dutchies laugh at basically every joke

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:19 am

Quote from: FerhyaSlide on Jan 02, 2014, 07:12AM
Or give us an example, Dutchies laugh at basically every joke

I will, I will!

However, I've moved this book from my device to the "Cloud" and I can't access Kindle from work.... no WiFi.... so need to be home.

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:42 am

The thing is, most any joke is funny the first time. Many jokes we adults find "groaners" are hysterical to young children.

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Thu Jan 02, 2014 9:36 am

On TV the other night was half an hour of "Boffins telling jokes". Scientists standing up in front of an invisible (but apparently small) audience of colleagues and spouting supposedly funny scientific jokes, with the colleagues doing their best to laugh. It was excruciating....

I switched off before the next programme, which was "Vicars telling jokes"!!!!

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Mon Jan 06, 2014 1:36 pm

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

ttf_Woolworth · Post by **ttf_Woolworth** » Tue Jan 07, 2014 7:39 am

An oldie but a goodie:

You say "Car-mee-na"
and I say "Car-my-na",
You say "Bu-rah-na"
and I say "Bu-ray-na",
Car-mee-na!
Car-my-na!
Bu-rah-na!
Bu-ray-na!
Let's call the whole thing Orff.

ttf_robcat2075 · Post by **ttf_robcat2075** » Sun Jan 12, 2014 5:29 pm

The contractually obligatory, mid-program commercial...

http://www.youtube.com/v/mwqfCtAazss

ttf_robcat2075 · Post by **ttf_robcat2075** » Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:32 pm

From the radio game show "It Pays to Be Ignorant," September 15, 1944:

Moderator: The question is about "salesmen"...
Panelist: I used to be a salesman! My first day I got two orders.
Moderator: Two orders?
Panelist: Yeah. "Get out!" and "Stay out!"

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:52 pm

A man walks into a bar.
He says, "ouch."

ttf_badger · Post by **ttf_badger** » Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:10 pm

.